This week was all about places and how they affect the telling of a story. This is my adaptation of a group exercise to suit the imagery of a collage I created in class.
Yuri is a Gardener, he's gardened all his life. For 60 years he has tended the gardens of the Grand Palace in the former Soviet republic of Krippleblockistan and it is said that his cutting of the lawns is the only thing that has remained agreeable and constant in the turbulent life of this small and obscure country.
All is not how it seems however. With both his sons lost to tragic accidents in the now long departed Soviet army, cancer having taken his beloved wife from him and personal debts he knows he will never be able to repay Yuri's daily routine is the only part of his world that isn't slipping into the abyss.
As civil unrest grips the country and the disorder consumes his life's work Yuri decides that escape is his only option. The only question is escape to what? To life or to death.
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Writing Course, Week 3
This week was an exercise in character-driven story telling. Here's a bullet-pointed summary of the plot we created.
- Three young people - Rob, Annie and James - stay in a cottage for a weekend.
- Annie is an aspiring journalist and wants to investigate claims of an illegal fox hunt for the university paper.
- James fancies Annie and is willing to fake an interest in journalism in order to pursue her. The cottage belongs to his family
- Rob is a friend of Annie and wants to keep an eye on her, concerned she'll get herself into trouble.
- James tries to come on to Annie, who really isn't interested
- The three of them go out and witness that the hunt is indeed illegal, and Annie's family are the organisers.
- Annie storms off into the woods, Rob follows her.
- Rob and Annie discover they have feelings for each other, James witnesses this.
- Annie confronts her family with the photos of the hunt.
- James, hoping to get back at Annie and Rob out of spite, publishes the story.
- Annie gets cut off from her family, but feels it's for the best.
Monday, 3 October 2011
Short Story - The Ship
Here's a short story I wrote this lunchtime, based on an anecdote I heard many years ago. Hope you like it:
The Ship
Two centuries ago a ship set sail from New Zealand for the south coast of Australia. It was to be a short voyage and her captain, though inexperienced, was confident that the journey would be easy. Ships with square rigged sails cannot sail easily toward the wind, and so the captain was dismayed when, after two weeks of zig-zagging toward the ever constant trade winds that blow around the southern part of the globe he had made barely any headway toward his objective to the west.
It was at this time that the sailing master, a grizzled old sea dog, took the captain aside. "Sir," he said, "what we are doing clearly isn't working and we will not make landfall before we run out of supplies. I have made this trip several times before, so let me tell you what works. We need to turn east."
"What?" replied the captain, a highly educated and intelligent man, "That doesn't hold up to even a slight logical enquiry. You are telling me to sail to Australia by sailing away from Australia. We've worked so hard to get this far and you think we should turn back? Our port of destination is but a few hundred miles ahead of us to the west!"
So the ship sailed on, tossed by the waves and fighting the wind for every inch of westward progress. After another week at sea the captain was feeling quite upset. There was no way they were going to reach their destination this way. He was afraid he would lose his command if he failed to complete even such a simple voyage. He thought again about what the sailing master had said and finally decided that he should at least try what the old sailor had suggested.
So he gave the order and the ship came about, sailing due east, turning its back on its destination. Now with the trade winds behind her the ship made steady progress. Leaving New Zealand behind she sailed past the tip of South America, past the tip of South Africa and, after another three of weeks of easy sailing, she sighted the coast of Australia.
Two centuries ago a ship set sail from New Zealand for the south coast of Australia. It was to be a short voyage and her captain, though inexperienced, was confident that the journey would be easy. Ships with square rigged sails cannot sail easily toward the wind, and so the captain was dismayed when, after two weeks of zig-zagging toward the ever constant trade winds that blow around the southern part of the globe he had made barely any headway toward his objective to the west.
It was at this time that the sailing master, a grizzled old sea dog, took the captain aside. "Sir," he said, "what we are doing clearly isn't working and we will not make landfall before we run out of supplies. I have made this trip several times before, so let me tell you what works. We need to turn east."
"What?" replied the captain, a highly educated and intelligent man, "That doesn't hold up to even a slight logical enquiry. You are telling me to sail to Australia by sailing away from Australia. We've worked so hard to get this far and you think we should turn back? Our port of destination is but a few hundred miles ahead of us to the west!"
So the ship sailed on, tossed by the waves and fighting the wind for every inch of westward progress. After another week at sea the captain was feeling quite upset. There was no way they were going to reach their destination this way. He was afraid he would lose his command if he failed to complete even such a simple voyage. He thought again about what the sailing master had said and finally decided that he should at least try what the old sailor had suggested.
So he gave the order and the ship came about, sailing due east, turning its back on its destination. Now with the trade winds behind her the ship made steady progress. Leaving New Zealand behind she sailed past the tip of South America, past the tip of South Africa and, after another three of weeks of easy sailing, she sighted the coast of Australia.
Saturday, 1 October 2011
Writing Course, Week 2
Here's this week's assignment. As a group exercise we created characters, outlining their... er... characters. Going on from that, we looked at character development.
Here's mine, and how he would develop:
Alessandro Cortez
Alessandro's problems all started with his father. His parents separated when he was still very young and although he now lives with his mother he spent a lot of his early life, into his late teens, around his father and his father's friends. This was where he acquired his charisma and comfortable attitude, qualities that would tend to attract to him whatever he wanted from life. Unfortunately when faced with such abundance he also found it easy to take these things for granted, as disposable; another inherited quality. He could have whatever he wanted, but he had no idea what he wanted.
Then he met her, the woman who would change everything. It wasn't as though she stood out physically from the crowd of one night stands, and yet there was just something about her that reached into him and touched parts of soul that had never been uncovered before. This scared him, and out of fear he ran, hurting her deeply in the process. She told him that he had turned out just like his father and disappeared from his life.
He looked everywhere but couldn't find her. Exhausted and feeling alone for the first time in his life he confronted his father. He was angry that his father could have taught him so much about life but not how to be happy; not how to be a man capable of making her happy.
He's changed. He's learned that in order to understand what some things are truly worth you have to experience losing them. Who knows if he'll ever find her again.
- < > -
This was quite fun. The group is predominantly female, so I chose the above character image just to see what the response would be. I'm intrigued by the very common female fantasy that whatever an attractive man's flaws are, meeting the right woman is always the solution. I guess it's what forms the basis of the romance genre.
Here's mine, and how he would develop:
Alessandro's problems all started with his father. His parents separated when he was still very young and although he now lives with his mother he spent a lot of his early life, into his late teens, around his father and his father's friends. This was where he acquired his charisma and comfortable attitude, qualities that would tend to attract to him whatever he wanted from life. Unfortunately when faced with such abundance he also found it easy to take these things for granted, as disposable; another inherited quality. He could have whatever he wanted, but he had no idea what he wanted.
Then he met her, the woman who would change everything. It wasn't as though she stood out physically from the crowd of one night stands, and yet there was just something about her that reached into him and touched parts of soul that had never been uncovered before. This scared him, and out of fear he ran, hurting her deeply in the process. She told him that he had turned out just like his father and disappeared from his life.
He looked everywhere but couldn't find her. Exhausted and feeling alone for the first time in his life he confronted his father. He was angry that his father could have taught him so much about life but not how to be happy; not how to be a man capable of making her happy.
He's changed. He's learned that in order to understand what some things are truly worth you have to experience losing them. Who knows if he'll ever find her again.
This was quite fun. The group is predominantly female, so I chose the above character image just to see what the response would be. I'm intrigued by the very common female fantasy that whatever an attractive man's flaws are, meeting the right woman is always the solution. I guess it's what forms the basis of the romance genre.
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Writing course, Week 1
Last night was my first time at a Novel Building evening class run by Megan Kerr in Oxford. This class was based around the differences between the premise for a novel and a plot. As an exercise for this a group of us took a premise and expanded on it. It was actually fascinating to see the structure of a plot starting to germinate in front of us.
Anyway, our homework assignment was to write the back cover blurb for the novel our concept would grow into, so here is my effort:
"Honoured and highly decorated Walden Hart has served for many years as a captain in the city watch, keeping the streets safe at night and administering the king's justice. Now he has fallen from grace, found guilty of a terrible crime for which he cannot plead innocent. Cast into prison to rot he has all but given up on life when, one stormy night, escape unexpectedly presents itself to him through the help of a mysterious stranger. The break of dawn finds him lost, unable to return home to the family he loves but with nowhere else to go. With the cold unsympathetic arm of the law close behind Walden must take refuge amongst the city's underworld, a place where he will soon learn that for some there are no laws, only actions and consequences."
Anyway, our homework assignment was to write the back cover blurb for the novel our concept would grow into, so here is my effort:
"Honoured and highly decorated Walden Hart has served for many years as a captain in the city watch, keeping the streets safe at night and administering the king's justice. Now he has fallen from grace, found guilty of a terrible crime for which he cannot plead innocent. Cast into prison to rot he has all but given up on life when, one stormy night, escape unexpectedly presents itself to him through the help of a mysterious stranger. The break of dawn finds him lost, unable to return home to the family he loves but with nowhere else to go. With the cold unsympathetic arm of the law close behind Walden must take refuge amongst the city's underworld, a place where he will soon learn that for some there are no laws, only actions and consequences."
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Use of walls
A day spent drilling holes in my wall, just because I can. Oh the wonders of being a home owner! With the help of my parents I have made the final crucial additions to my flat; things that I've had planned right from the start: wall mounted storage solutions.
I was actually shocked how expensive wall-mounted shelving can be. It's surprising, but once you've bought the tracks, brackets and the shelves themselves as separate components and it quickly adds up. Never mind, I can now officially say that my flat is properly fitted out and all it needs now is a good tidy up.
Best of all though is that I have now implemented what I call bicycle storage for men. That's right ladies, none of this "bicycles belong outside in the shed; inside the home is only for pretty things like pot plants" malarkey, we men hang our bicycles on the wall.
I was actually shocked how expensive wall-mounted shelving can be. It's surprising, but once you've bought the tracks, brackets and the shelves themselves as separate components and it quickly adds up. Never mind, I can now officially say that my flat is properly fitted out and all it needs now is a good tidy up.
Best of all though is that I have now implemented what I call bicycle storage for men. That's right ladies, none of this "bicycles belong outside in the shed; inside the home is only for pretty things like pot plants" malarkey, we men hang our bicycles on the wall.
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
Short Story - Joy
As promised here is the short story I've been writing. Hope you like it!
Joy
By R.J. Parker
“Miss Harrison, if you’d like to come in please.”
Joy rose from her seat, placing the copy of The Guardian she’d been reading back on the coffee table. Retrieving her bag from the floor she followed the man through the open door.
She wasn’t sure she was ready for this. This morning it had all seemed so easy, sitting in her cosy little flat listening to thought for the day on Radio 4 drinking tea and spreading jam on her toast. She had felt so civilised. Now, if she were completely honest with herself she felt extremely anxious. She really needed this.
The scene that greeted her was all too familiar. It was feared the world over; three people sat behind a single table leafing through identical paperwork and before them an empty chair. Even as she went through the business of introductions, shaking hands and lowering herself into the seat she was painfully aware that she had been through this too many times.
“Okay, so you’re applying for the role of research assistant at the university.” the chairman observed. He was a sober fellow, probably in his 40s, balding but well dressed in a suit and tie. Glancing up to her from what she recognised as a copy of her CV he gave her an appraising glance over the top of small oval spectacles.
“Would you please tell us why you think you would be well suited to this position.”
The standard opening question, Joy thought, and one she had a rehearsed answer to.
“It sounds like interesting work.” she said, “I’ve worked for four years now as a personal assistant so I think I could do it well.”
“Ah yes” the man - she had already forgotten his name - said, “and this brings us to the question of your past experience.”
He paused.
“You say in your CV that your experience since leaving university has been with this company...” he checked his notes “Grant Blackthorn, but none of us have heard of them and the company website is pretty vague. What do they actually do?”
Grant Blackthorn; her current employment. How to explain that a graduate leaving university with a humanities degree, bills falling on the mat and a rumbling stomach had to take whatever came her way. When your father knows a man who was at school with someone else who knows another who needs a summer intern at their firm, don’t ask at least they’ll pay you, fate can freewheel from there.
How to explain what she really did to keep the lights on and Waitrose chocolate cake on the table? Best to give them the usual spiel.
“Grant Blackthorn is a company that specialises in locating and acquiring individuals and intellectual property from overseas for third parties.”
“So they’re a search firm? Like an employment recruiter?”
“That sort of thing yes”
That sort of thing if you really wanted to push definitions to their most elastic point before they snapped and whipped you in the eye, yes. Yes they were.
They searched all right, “search firm” was often a good description. Granted they had the comparative problem that they people they headhunted didn't want to be found, but they didn't let that stop them. Recruitment not so much though; given the usual circumstances that tended to be the last thing on anybody's mind.
“You say in your CV you can provide references on request.”
“Mmmhmm”
She almost cringed imagining a phone conversation between this tea and biscuits academic and her boss. Boris Levchenko, a grizzled Russian ex-pat, was a good man to be on the right side of. He was the most imposing figure she had ever met, ludicrously tall and wide with a weatherbeaten face that sported a short moustache and beard with grey streaks that made him look like an aging cossack. His accent was so thick you could spread it on your toast.
"If I may," the woman to the chairman's right interjected at this point, "could you tell us a bit more about your current role at Grant Blackthorn."
This woman was obvious the head of human resources Joy realised. They all had exactly the same intonation whichever company you went to: a kind of feigned friendliness that bordered on patronising.
"I'm a personal assistant to one of the search operatives... I mean, executives." she corrected herself.
"and what does that entail?"
“I started out just doing office based research but I’ve actually accompanied my boss out on international trips several times now. It’s up to me to make travel arrangements and to ensure that he has everything he needs such as visas, paperwork, equipment...”
“...ammunition...” she added mentally.
“So you are used to having some degree of autonomy in your work?”
“Yes, for example more recently I've been quite involved with scouting meeting locations."
Borneo was the worst, she thought; those damned mosquitoes.
The chairman came back in with a new question. “Do you do any work from home in your current job?”
Joy’s mind jolted back to her cosy two room flat and an awkward question her friend Laura had asked the previous summer.
“What’s this in your umbrella stand?”
She had looked up from the teapot she had been filling, not quite sure what to say then either.
“Er... well, you know that air rifle your brother has?”
“Yeah...”
“Well, that’s a... um... rifle rifle.”
She answered the chairman as best she could. “I’ve taken stuff home from time to time but I’ve found I’m more productive in the workplace.”
Boris had suggested the thing with the rifle. He had declared that he needed an assistant who could strip it down and reassemble it blindfolded. She’d gone off the idea after blindly knocking over her friday night glass of wine and all the oil stains on her best tablecloth. Besides, she’d probably get complaints for using the thing in a communal garden. Better to practice on the range at work where the neighbours weren’t going to complain because they were rabbits and, most likely, Boris had shot them and cooked them in a stew.
The third member of the panel spoke up at this point. He was at least ten or twenty years older than the chairman and looked more than a little bit untidy next to his two colleagues in his tweed jacket. He was a research scientist, he had to be, there was no other plausible explanation for the bow tie, white hair and half moon glasses.
“Miss Harrison,” he said “I would like you to elaborate on the sort of work you do on a day to day basis. You say you’re at a recruitment agency; why don’t you tell us about the last person you recruited.”
“Well, what usually happens is our client asks us to look for an individual or individuals who meets their specific set of criteria. It’s up to us to use various means at our disposal, including private inquiry and internet searches to locate these individuals, make contact with them and... introduce them to our client. My role is to assist with the searches, make sure all of the documentation is properly kept and then to accompany my boss when he goes to meet the prospective.”
The last individual the firm had searched for had been wanted by seven different intelligence agencies but they had got to them first. Boris had forgotten to tell her to bring the chloroform so they had needed to “recruit” him with the judicious application of a rifle butt, but the finder’s fee had still been good. She had treated herself to a new window box with the bonus money.
“I have to say what I am most interested in is your work with intellectual property. What sort of work have you done? For example, have you any experience with generating patents?”
“Not with generating them, no.” Joy admitted, “We work for clients who are interested in locating and acquiring existing intellectual property that meets their specific requirements.”
Intellectual property. There was at least some logic in the idea that it was a pointless duplication of effort and an inherent flaw of capitalism that a company would have to develop a technology again when someone else had already done it and had the information sitting on a computer somewhere. Or at least this is what Boris had explained to the security guard he had gagged and bound with gaffa tape to a nearby office chair whilst Joy had accessed the research lab’s database. It was amazing how far a basic understanding of Microsoft Excel would get you in corporate espionage.
“I do,” she offered, “know a bit about patent law.”
She knew that what they were doing almost certainly wasn’t legal.
The HR woman spoke up again at this point.
“It says on your CV that you’ve done a lot of travelling in the last year.”
“Well, our searches are global, so I have made more than a few overseas visits with my boss.”
“That sounds nice.” the woman said, “Is there anywhere that stands out in particular?”
“I’ve been to the Middle East a few times,” Joy said, “that was quite memorable.”
The T-62 crawled toward her across the opium field the growl of its engine an imposing rumble, growing ever louder. Clutching the rocket launcher to her shoulder Joy brushed her hair back from her eyes, adjusted her glasses and waited for the metal beast to crest the ridge, exposing its underbelly, the moment when it would be most vulnerable. As it rose up she waited for the last second before it tipped forward, unleashing the anti-tank missile in a world consuming bang.
Fire blossomed on the nearest corner of the tank, metal fragments flying in all directions. The wounded beast skidded sideways down the near side of the embankment leaving a trail of shredded tracks behind it, finally coming to rest at the bottom.
The dust had hardly settled when the turret sprang to life, swinging toward her angrily, the muzzle on the end of the gun barrel yawning wide.
“Do you not think that working in a university would be a bit sedate for someone who is used to such a glamorous international lifestyle?” the HR woman asked.
The shell exploded with a deafening roar in the pond to her right, showering her in water and green sludge. To her left, between staccato bursts of machine gun fire, Boris was letting fly a stream of syllables that she was sure she’d find deeply offensive were it not for her lack of fluency in the fruitier parts of the Russian language.
“I would be okay with it.” She replied, completely honest and sincere for once.
More than anything else she just wanted to unpack her suitcase.
And the love life! Try explaining to that cute guy who emailed you asking if you’d like to meet for a cup of coffee sometime that no you’re not playing it cool, it’s just that WiFi is hard to come by in Helmand Province.
“Well I think we’re just about done here.” the chairman said, “Just one last thing. Tell us about yourself, do you have any hobbies? What do you do when you aren’t on the job?”
Images of assault courses, rifle shooting, unarmed combat, and practicing crawling through a room full of lasers in a black catsuit raced through her mind.
“Jive dancing” she replied simply.
“Well, thankyou Miss Harrison,” the man stood and leant forward to shake her hand. “We’ll be in touch.”
- <> -
This is the first short story I've posted online. I had a lot of fun writing it and I'd love to hear what you, dear reader, think of it. Be sure to post a comment.
©R.J. Parker 2011
By R.J. Parker
“Miss Harrison, if you’d like to come in please.”
Joy rose from her seat, placing the copy of The Guardian she’d been reading back on the coffee table. Retrieving her bag from the floor she followed the man through the open door.
She wasn’t sure she was ready for this. This morning it had all seemed so easy, sitting in her cosy little flat listening to thought for the day on Radio 4 drinking tea and spreading jam on her toast. She had felt so civilised. Now, if she were completely honest with herself she felt extremely anxious. She really needed this.
The scene that greeted her was all too familiar. It was feared the world over; three people sat behind a single table leafing through identical paperwork and before them an empty chair. Even as she went through the business of introductions, shaking hands and lowering herself into the seat she was painfully aware that she had been through this too many times.
“Okay, so you’re applying for the role of research assistant at the university.” the chairman observed. He was a sober fellow, probably in his 40s, balding but well dressed in a suit and tie. Glancing up to her from what she recognised as a copy of her CV he gave her an appraising glance over the top of small oval spectacles.
“Would you please tell us why you think you would be well suited to this position.”
The standard opening question, Joy thought, and one she had a rehearsed answer to.
“It sounds like interesting work.” she said, “I’ve worked for four years now as a personal assistant so I think I could do it well.”
“Ah yes” the man - she had already forgotten his name - said, “and this brings us to the question of your past experience.”
He paused.
“You say in your CV that your experience since leaving university has been with this company...” he checked his notes “Grant Blackthorn, but none of us have heard of them and the company website is pretty vague. What do they actually do?”
Grant Blackthorn; her current employment. How to explain that a graduate leaving university with a humanities degree, bills falling on the mat and a rumbling stomach had to take whatever came her way. When your father knows a man who was at school with someone else who knows another who needs a summer intern at their firm, don’t ask at least they’ll pay you, fate can freewheel from there.
How to explain what she really did to keep the lights on and Waitrose chocolate cake on the table? Best to give them the usual spiel.
“Grant Blackthorn is a company that specialises in locating and acquiring individuals and intellectual property from overseas for third parties.”
“So they’re a search firm? Like an employment recruiter?”
“That sort of thing yes”
That sort of thing if you really wanted to push definitions to their most elastic point before they snapped and whipped you in the eye, yes. Yes they were.
They searched all right, “search firm” was often a good description. Granted they had the comparative problem that they people they headhunted didn't want to be found, but they didn't let that stop them. Recruitment not so much though; given the usual circumstances that tended to be the last thing on anybody's mind.
“You say in your CV you can provide references on request.”
“Mmmhmm”
She almost cringed imagining a phone conversation between this tea and biscuits academic and her boss. Boris Levchenko, a grizzled Russian ex-pat, was a good man to be on the right side of. He was the most imposing figure she had ever met, ludicrously tall and wide with a weatherbeaten face that sported a short moustache and beard with grey streaks that made him look like an aging cossack. His accent was so thick you could spread it on your toast.
"If I may," the woman to the chairman's right interjected at this point, "could you tell us a bit more about your current role at Grant Blackthorn."
This woman was obvious the head of human resources Joy realised. They all had exactly the same intonation whichever company you went to: a kind of feigned friendliness that bordered on patronising.
"I'm a personal assistant to one of the search operatives... I mean, executives." she corrected herself.
"and what does that entail?"
“I started out just doing office based research but I’ve actually accompanied my boss out on international trips several times now. It’s up to me to make travel arrangements and to ensure that he has everything he needs such as visas, paperwork, equipment...”
“...ammunition...” she added mentally.
“So you are used to having some degree of autonomy in your work?”
“Yes, for example more recently I've been quite involved with scouting meeting locations."
Borneo was the worst, she thought; those damned mosquitoes.
The chairman came back in with a new question. “Do you do any work from home in your current job?”
Joy’s mind jolted back to her cosy two room flat and an awkward question her friend Laura had asked the previous summer.
“What’s this in your umbrella stand?”
She had looked up from the teapot she had been filling, not quite sure what to say then either.
“Er... well, you know that air rifle your brother has?”
“Yeah...”
“Well, that’s a... um... rifle rifle.”
She answered the chairman as best she could. “I’ve taken stuff home from time to time but I’ve found I’m more productive in the workplace.”
Boris had suggested the thing with the rifle. He had declared that he needed an assistant who could strip it down and reassemble it blindfolded. She’d gone off the idea after blindly knocking over her friday night glass of wine and all the oil stains on her best tablecloth. Besides, she’d probably get complaints for using the thing in a communal garden. Better to practice on the range at work where the neighbours weren’t going to complain because they were rabbits and, most likely, Boris had shot them and cooked them in a stew.
The third member of the panel spoke up at this point. He was at least ten or twenty years older than the chairman and looked more than a little bit untidy next to his two colleagues in his tweed jacket. He was a research scientist, he had to be, there was no other plausible explanation for the bow tie, white hair and half moon glasses.
“Miss Harrison,” he said “I would like you to elaborate on the sort of work you do on a day to day basis. You say you’re at a recruitment agency; why don’t you tell us about the last person you recruited.”
“Well, what usually happens is our client asks us to look for an individual or individuals who meets their specific set of criteria. It’s up to us to use various means at our disposal, including private inquiry and internet searches to locate these individuals, make contact with them and... introduce them to our client. My role is to assist with the searches, make sure all of the documentation is properly kept and then to accompany my boss when he goes to meet the prospective.”
The last individual the firm had searched for had been wanted by seven different intelligence agencies but they had got to them first. Boris had forgotten to tell her to bring the chloroform so they had needed to “recruit” him with the judicious application of a rifle butt, but the finder’s fee had still been good. She had treated herself to a new window box with the bonus money.
“I have to say what I am most interested in is your work with intellectual property. What sort of work have you done? For example, have you any experience with generating patents?”
“Not with generating them, no.” Joy admitted, “We work for clients who are interested in locating and acquiring existing intellectual property that meets their specific requirements.”
Intellectual property. There was at least some logic in the idea that it was a pointless duplication of effort and an inherent flaw of capitalism that a company would have to develop a technology again when someone else had already done it and had the information sitting on a computer somewhere. Or at least this is what Boris had explained to the security guard he had gagged and bound with gaffa tape to a nearby office chair whilst Joy had accessed the research lab’s database. It was amazing how far a basic understanding of Microsoft Excel would get you in corporate espionage.
“I do,” she offered, “know a bit about patent law.”
She knew that what they were doing almost certainly wasn’t legal.
The HR woman spoke up again at this point.
“It says on your CV that you’ve done a lot of travelling in the last year.”
“Well, our searches are global, so I have made more than a few overseas visits with my boss.”
“That sounds nice.” the woman said, “Is there anywhere that stands out in particular?”
“I’ve been to the Middle East a few times,” Joy said, “that was quite memorable.”
The T-62 crawled toward her across the opium field the growl of its engine an imposing rumble, growing ever louder. Clutching the rocket launcher to her shoulder Joy brushed her hair back from her eyes, adjusted her glasses and waited for the metal beast to crest the ridge, exposing its underbelly, the moment when it would be most vulnerable. As it rose up she waited for the last second before it tipped forward, unleashing the anti-tank missile in a world consuming bang.
Fire blossomed on the nearest corner of the tank, metal fragments flying in all directions. The wounded beast skidded sideways down the near side of the embankment leaving a trail of shredded tracks behind it, finally coming to rest at the bottom.
The dust had hardly settled when the turret sprang to life, swinging toward her angrily, the muzzle on the end of the gun barrel yawning wide.
“Do you not think that working in a university would be a bit sedate for someone who is used to such a glamorous international lifestyle?” the HR woman asked.
The shell exploded with a deafening roar in the pond to her right, showering her in water and green sludge. To her left, between staccato bursts of machine gun fire, Boris was letting fly a stream of syllables that she was sure she’d find deeply offensive were it not for her lack of fluency in the fruitier parts of the Russian language.
“I would be okay with it.” She replied, completely honest and sincere for once.
More than anything else she just wanted to unpack her suitcase.
And the love life! Try explaining to that cute guy who emailed you asking if you’d like to meet for a cup of coffee sometime that no you’re not playing it cool, it’s just that WiFi is hard to come by in Helmand Province.
“Well I think we’re just about done here.” the chairman said, “Just one last thing. Tell us about yourself, do you have any hobbies? What do you do when you aren’t on the job?”
Images of assault courses, rifle shooting, unarmed combat, and practicing crawling through a room full of lasers in a black catsuit raced through her mind.
“Jive dancing” she replied simply.
“Well, thankyou Miss Harrison,” the man stood and leant forward to shake her hand. “We’ll be in touch.”
This is the first short story I've posted online. I had a lot of fun writing it and I'd love to hear what you, dear reader, think of it. Be sure to post a comment.
©R.J. Parker 2011
Branding
I've often been perplexed by some of the advertising and branding that gets thrown at me as a consumer. I like to pat myself on the back for my objectivity in the face of the bombardment my subconscious is being subjected to, before taking another swig of Pepsi, which I have preferred to Coca-Cola since the Corrs promoted it back in 1998.
The thing is though when you actually stop and think about it some of the messages behind branding is just a little bit weird. For example, I saw this in Sainsbury's today:
When you think about it, who would actually take a pilgrim's advice when choosing which particular cheddar to buy? Whilst I'm sure that pilgrims can offer good consumer advice on such things as footwear, maps, spiritual literature, etc, I'm not sure why their expertise should necessarily extend to dairy produce. Moreover, I'm not sure why advertisers would think that the the public at large would think this is the case. Did a survey of the British population find that 4 out of 5 individuals would defer to religious fundamentalists when choosing a cheese?
Answers on a postcard please.
Whilst I'm on the subject of bizarre quirks of retail, yes Mr John Sainsbury do I accept that my bags must be verified. I can see that we wouldn't want me trying to carry my shopping in, I dunno, a brick or something by accident. Summon an attendant forthwith!
The thing is though when you actually stop and think about it some of the messages behind branding is just a little bit weird. For example, I saw this in Sainsbury's today:
When you think about it, who would actually take a pilgrim's advice when choosing which particular cheddar to buy? Whilst I'm sure that pilgrims can offer good consumer advice on such things as footwear, maps, spiritual literature, etc, I'm not sure why their expertise should necessarily extend to dairy produce. Moreover, I'm not sure why advertisers would think that the the public at large would think this is the case. Did a survey of the British population find that 4 out of 5 individuals would defer to religious fundamentalists when choosing a cheese?
Answers on a postcard please.
Whilst I'm on the subject of bizarre quirks of retail, yes Mr John Sainsbury do I accept that my bags must be verified. I can see that we wouldn't want me trying to carry my shopping in, I dunno, a brick or something by accident. Summon an attendant forthwith!
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
Inspiration strikes
I find that inspiration is a lot like lightning. It will strike at an unexpected moment in an unexpected place and you can guarantee that in the instant there will be too much of it to deal with. Fortunately the analogy ends before the point where it leaves me blackened with my hair stood on end and steam coming off me.
Anyway, in my waking moments this morning I had a dream; it was one of those dreams that is close enough to the edge of reality to warrant trying to hold onto and recount. The experience gave me several ideas for a short story, which I am going to call Joy. I'm pleased to say I will be writing it and will post here when I'm done.
Anyway, in my waking moments this morning I had a dream; it was one of those dreams that is close enough to the edge of reality to warrant trying to hold onto and recount. The experience gave me several ideas for a short story, which I am going to call Joy. I'm pleased to say I will be writing it and will post here when I'm done.
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Shoe Rack
For a while the acquisition of furnishings for my flat has become a prime concern. For example, in a civilised dwelling there is not a big pile o' shoes™ in the hallway. Footwear is installed in a dedicated piece of footwear storage furniture.
Enter the offer of this article from a friend of my Mum's.
Now, to start with I wasn't so keen on it so I turned the kind offer down, it was after all too large. However, after a trip around IKEA drew a blank for suitable shoe racks I re-considered my decision, remembering that I am, after all, an engineer extraordinaire. By that point it had been thrown on a firewood pile and was covered in mud and bird poo, so needed rescuing.
This is where we cue the A-team music. Stand back everybody, that's right, I'm gonna modify the the shoe rack!
Now it's more than just a shoe rack, it's a shoe rack with a story behind it.
Enter the offer of this article from a friend of my Mum's.
Now, to start with I wasn't so keen on it so I turned the kind offer down, it was after all too large. However, after a trip around IKEA drew a blank for suitable shoe racks I re-considered my decision, remembering that I am, after all, an engineer extraordinaire. By that point it had been thrown on a firewood pile and was covered in mud and bird poo, so needed rescuing.
This is where we cue the A-team music. Stand back everybody, that's right, I'm gonna modify the the shoe rack!
Now it's more than just a shoe rack, it's a shoe rack with a story behind it.
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Is it a Sofa? Is it a Bed?
Today heralded the arrival of my newest and definitely my favourite piece of furniture. Yes, that's right, my flat is now graced by the presence of a new sofa... or is it a bed? In either relaxational configuration it is limb-meltingly comfortable. How comfortable? Well, today I took the day off in order to be in when it was delivered. When it arrived just before mid-day I sat on it for a bit... then tried lying down on it... and fell asleep for 3 hours.
Gooood sofa.
Gooood sofa.
Sunday, 1 May 2011
Now in Magnolia
"This new flat means more to me than just home ownership" he said.
"What's that?" she asked.
"Freedom from landlords, my own space, a new start..."
"No no," she interjected, "what's that?" she pointed.
"Oh," he paused, "yeah that's a bit disgusting... I'll have to paint over that."
Yes I've spent the last week beginning the process of turning my empty flat into my home. I'm very much indebted to my parents for their help with all the painting and cleaning and helping me get established with a washing machine and fridge.
Everything's been moved out of the old place now, and the keys handed back. I am truly living in my own flat now!
"Get a plumber, get the water connected, hire a cleaner, maybe a cook - live like real middle class people."
"Get the water connected?"
"Yeah."
"So, not connected now?"
"Not so much."
"What's that?" she asked.
"Freedom from landlords, my own space, a new start..."
"No no," she interjected, "what's that?" she pointed.
"Oh," he paused, "yeah that's a bit disgusting... I'll have to paint over that."
Yes I've spent the last week beginning the process of turning my empty flat into my home. I'm very much indebted to my parents for their help with all the painting and cleaning and helping me get established with a washing machine and fridge.
Everything's been moved out of the old place now, and the keys handed back. I am truly living in my own flat now!
"Get a plumber, get the water connected, hire a cleaner, maybe a cook - live like real middle class people."
"Get the water connected?"
"Yeah."
"So, not connected now?"
"Not so much."
Sunday, 24 April 2011
Portmoak '11
I find it crazy that having just bought a flat and whilst still paying rent on a house I have spent the last week living in neither.
That said it's been a fun week away in Scotland. In terms of flying I've had better weeks up there, as we only got one day and an evening of ridgable flying weather, but it was still a fun holiday. Highlights were an hour in the club Discus, T19, on the Bishop and a bit of mutual flying with Michelle in a K-21.
Cludeo playing skills were also practiced, though not needed where damage to the Acro's trailer was concerned; it was the Reverend Bromley in the coach park with the Fox One trailer.
That said it's been a fun week away in Scotland. In terms of flying I've had better weeks up there, as we only got one day and an evening of ridgable flying weather, but it was still a fun holiday. Highlights were an hour in the club Discus, T19, on the Bishop and a bit of mutual flying with Michelle in a K-21.
Cludeo playing skills were also practiced, though not needed where damage to the Acro's trailer was concerned; it was the Reverend Bromley in the coach park with the Fox One trailer.
Friday, 15 April 2011
Completion!
Today I passed an important milestone; I have just completed on the purchase of my very own flat.
It's all happened very suddenly. Yes I kicked off the process months ago with a conversation with an independent financial advisor, really got things moving when I put in an offer for the flat I wanted, but until now it all seemed like stuff that would happen at some indeterminate time in the future.
That was until I picked the keys up this lunch time.
I will confess that I felt quite emotional when I found myself stood in my own home for the first time. That's what it's all about though; my home. For the last five years and especially for the last six months I have felt as though I haven't really had a home, just somewhere I have lived. I can stand in my bedroom, my office, my living room and feel the anticipation for all of the future scenes from my life that will unfold in this space.
Most of all I want to give my thanks to my grandparents without whose boundless generosity none of this would have been possible.
There's no plug for the bath, the paint on the walls has a nice singed effect going on above the storage heater and the previous occupant somehow managed to melt the handle for the grill in the oven. Bliss...
It's all happened very suddenly. Yes I kicked off the process months ago with a conversation with an independent financial advisor, really got things moving when I put in an offer for the flat I wanted, but until now it all seemed like stuff that would happen at some indeterminate time in the future.
That was until I picked the keys up this lunch time.
I will confess that I felt quite emotional when I found myself stood in my own home for the first time. That's what it's all about though; my home. For the last five years and especially for the last six months I have felt as though I haven't really had a home, just somewhere I have lived. I can stand in my bedroom, my office, my living room and feel the anticipation for all of the future scenes from my life that will unfold in this space.
Most of all I want to give my thanks to my grandparents without whose boundless generosity none of this would have been possible.
There's no plug for the bath, the paint on the walls has a nice singed effect going on above the storage heater and the previous occupant somehow managed to melt the handle for the grill in the oven. Bliss...
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
Tributes to XKCD
I've been a fan of the web comic XKCD for quite a while. Unfortunately as I did not have the required social skills to do computer science at university I often feel left out from some of the strips that hinge on computer geekery, my own specialisation being in aerospace engineering. That's why a year or two ago I found the need to translate a couple of the better known XKCD icons into engineering language.
A t-shirt I should get made
Why all engineers love running an ANSYS simulation
Thursday, 8 July 2010
iPhone 4 antenna
There has been a lot said about the iPhone 4 and its antenna recently. As someone who has recently acquired one of these phones I feel that I should write a little bit about this issue and what I have experienced in the first week of using it.
For those of you who aren’t aware of this issue, the iPhone 4 uses parts of the metal band around the phone as its antenna. The story goes that if it is held in the left hand one of the gaps is bridged de-tuning the antenna and causing the phone to lose signal and drops calls. Not good.
The first thing I should say is that I was well aware of this antenna issue when I ordered the phone, who wouldn’t be with all the words flying on the internet, and in truth I was completely prepared for it to be a major issue. Why did I go ahead and buy it anyway? Well, after being absolutely delighted with my iPhone 3G, the first Apple product I ever bought after a previous eternal scepticism about all things Apple, I was quite keen on the idea of an upgrade, especially in light of all the new features the phone offered. Above all though, I have always kept my iPhone 3G in a case and had been expecting to get one for the replacement anyway, so embarrassing for Apple as it may be, the antenna was always going to be a non-issue for me.
Anyway, I got the phone home, plugged it in, and laboriously transferred everything across from my previous phone (I think I had to click the mouse twice). With my new phone set up to be exactly like my previous phone, I unplugged and had a play.
The phone was showing 4 bars of signal so, curious, I tried clamping my hand over the infamous gap in the steel band on the lower left hand corner of the phone. It took a few seconds, but yes the reported signal strength steadily dropped from four bars down to just one. I took my hand off and sure enough, the indicator rose steadily back up to 4 bars.
Next I switched on the speed test app, a useful device for testing just how much our broadband company are overselling their pitiful broadband services, and with the wi-fi turned off sure enough I saw a dramatic difference in speeds depending on whether my hand was on the device. Videos of both of these effects are of course all over the net, so my phone clearly isn’t unusual.
Oh well, I thought, time to buy a case.
Or was it? As I didn’t feel like spending the extra £5 on postage ordering online a case that was already overpriced - sadly the true for all mobile phone cases. I decided to wait and just buy one the next time I was near an Apple store. As a result of this I have found myself using my iPhone au naturel so to speak for the last week, and this is where the plot thickens.
The odd thing is that the apparent reporting of the “bars” and speed test app doesn’t seem to reflect itself in the way the rest of the phone works. Where I’m sat right now speed test actually times out and reads big fat zeroes for both upload and download speeds when my hand is in the wrong place. However, safari still happily loads web pages, facebook works absolutely fine, texts still transmit, and I’ve had absolutely no trouble at all with the phone dropping calls.
The other weird thing is that no matter what the signal to start with, strong or weak, bridging the gap never seems to cut off the signal.
Now, it seems to me that something is definitely happening when the gap in the antenna band is bridged, there can be no doubt about that, but what? Is it really as crippling as some people would have me think? Apparently not. Apple have of course come out with their usual propaganda saying that this is just a software issue relating to how the “bars” are calculated. “Bars” do not really exist and they are just arbitrarily calculated by the phone’s software to show when signal strength is, say, between 0% and 15%; the range 15%-100% all being “5 bars”. I’m sure that there is an element of truth in this, but it doesn’t explain everything; the speed test results for example.
What this all has to boil down to is my experience of actually using an iPhone 4 for the last week, and that has been very unlike what the all the internet hype would seem to suggest. Of course, the Apple-haters have been all too happy to dance in delight that Apple finally made a real mistake for them to talk about, the media have all covered this story, and there have been anecdotes all over the internet. I, however, fail to see what all the fuss is about. I am actually holding one of these things in my hand and it is working well.
The iPhone 4 is an awesome piece of kit and I am really enjoying owning one.
To make my point, I have posted this blog entry from my iPhone 4, over the phone network, with my hand firmly clamped over the gap in the antenna.
For those of you who aren’t aware of this issue, the iPhone 4 uses parts of the metal band around the phone as its antenna. The story goes that if it is held in the left hand one of the gaps is bridged de-tuning the antenna and causing the phone to lose signal and drops calls. Not good.
The first thing I should say is that I was well aware of this antenna issue when I ordered the phone, who wouldn’t be with all the words flying on the internet, and in truth I was completely prepared for it to be a major issue. Why did I go ahead and buy it anyway? Well, after being absolutely delighted with my iPhone 3G, the first Apple product I ever bought after a previous eternal scepticism about all things Apple, I was quite keen on the idea of an upgrade, especially in light of all the new features the phone offered. Above all though, I have always kept my iPhone 3G in a case and had been expecting to get one for the replacement anyway, so embarrassing for Apple as it may be, the antenna was always going to be a non-issue for me.
Anyway, I got the phone home, plugged it in, and laboriously transferred everything across from my previous phone (I think I had to click the mouse twice). With my new phone set up to be exactly like my previous phone, I unplugged and had a play.
The phone was showing 4 bars of signal so, curious, I tried clamping my hand over the infamous gap in the steel band on the lower left hand corner of the phone. It took a few seconds, but yes the reported signal strength steadily dropped from four bars down to just one. I took my hand off and sure enough, the indicator rose steadily back up to 4 bars.
Next I switched on the speed test app, a useful device for testing just how much our broadband company are overselling their pitiful broadband services, and with the wi-fi turned off sure enough I saw a dramatic difference in speeds depending on whether my hand was on the device. Videos of both of these effects are of course all over the net, so my phone clearly isn’t unusual.
Oh well, I thought, time to buy a case.
Or was it? As I didn’t feel like spending the extra £5 on postage ordering online a case that was already overpriced - sadly the true for all mobile phone cases. I decided to wait and just buy one the next time I was near an Apple store. As a result of this I have found myself using my iPhone au naturel so to speak for the last week, and this is where the plot thickens.
The odd thing is that the apparent reporting of the “bars” and speed test app doesn’t seem to reflect itself in the way the rest of the phone works. Where I’m sat right now speed test actually times out and reads big fat zeroes for both upload and download speeds when my hand is in the wrong place. However, safari still happily loads web pages, facebook works absolutely fine, texts still transmit, and I’ve had absolutely no trouble at all with the phone dropping calls.
The other weird thing is that no matter what the signal to start with, strong or weak, bridging the gap never seems to cut off the signal.
Now, it seems to me that something is definitely happening when the gap in the antenna band is bridged, there can be no doubt about that, but what? Is it really as crippling as some people would have me think? Apparently not. Apple have of course come out with their usual propaganda saying that this is just a software issue relating to how the “bars” are calculated. “Bars” do not really exist and they are just arbitrarily calculated by the phone’s software to show when signal strength is, say, between 0% and 15%; the range 15%-100% all being “5 bars”. I’m sure that there is an element of truth in this, but it doesn’t explain everything; the speed test results for example.
What this all has to boil down to is my experience of actually using an iPhone 4 for the last week, and that has been very unlike what the all the internet hype would seem to suggest. Of course, the Apple-haters have been all too happy to dance in delight that Apple finally made a real mistake for them to talk about, the media have all covered this story, and there have been anecdotes all over the internet. I, however, fail to see what all the fuss is about. I am actually holding one of these things in my hand and it is working well.
The iPhone 4 is an awesome piece of kit and I am really enjoying owning one.
To make my point, I have posted this blog entry from my iPhone 4, over the phone network, with my hand firmly clamped over the gap in the antenna.
Monday, 21 June 2010
Coast to Coast '10
Holiday time! Once again this year our summer holiday has been cycle touring. Just a week this year, so we planned a route across the spine of the UK that took in all the best of Cumbria, Northumberland and the Scottish Borders. We started at Windermere, made our way west to the coast at St Bees, then headed east and north taking in Bassenthwaite Lake, Hadrian's Wall, Kielder Water, Berwick-upon-Tweed and Lindisfarne Island on the East coast.
Over 6 days of cycling we covered over 300 road miles. We also took a day off to walk the wall from Housesteads fort all the way to The Twice Brewed Inn and then the museum at Vindolanda. All in all an excellent holiday!
Yours truly posing on the beach at St Bees
Rosie setting the pace on one of the quiet back roads we took to climb out of the Lake District
Rosie poses on Hadrian's wall
Arriving to find queuing traffic at Lindisfarne Causeway
Lindisfarne Mead!
I can definitely recommend cycle touring as the best way to truly experience the places you visit. During this holiday I lost count of the number of people who, when we showed up on our bikes, wanted to know where our car was. So many people are so dependant on their cars, and yet I find that travelling these sorts of distances without one is a very liberating experience.
Now, where we will be cycling next summer?
Over 6 days of cycling we covered over 300 road miles. We also took a day off to walk the wall from Housesteads fort all the way to The Twice Brewed Inn and then the museum at Vindolanda. All in all an excellent holiday!
I can definitely recommend cycle touring as the best way to truly experience the places you visit. During this holiday I lost count of the number of people who, when we showed up on our bikes, wanted to know where our car was. So many people are so dependant on their cars, and yet I find that travelling these sorts of distances without one is a very liberating experience.
Now, where we will be cycling next summer?
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
The evils of the iPhone
As my friends will doubtless be able to testify to I am a big fan of the iPhone. Being a fan of the iPhone often leaves one open to accusations of being a fanboy who has been duped into buying something that is over-hyped, and of course inevitably leads to lectures on the evils of the iPhone. Here are the common arguments, and my answers to them.
1. "The iPhone doesn't run flash."
Only people who don't own an iPhone seem to think this is a problem. I guess if you wanted to access video sites like YouTube, Veoh, BBC iPlayer... oh wait, no, those all work on the iPhone, either through a free app or a non-flash mobile page.
There are flash games on the internet, true, but by the nature of flash none of those are really designed for a touch screen interface or to be viewed on a mobile phone screen anyway. Why not just spend 50p on a decent game that actually fits the screen and uses the phone's accelerometers and multi-touch interface? There are also free games in the app store if you don't mind the odd advert - just like flash game websites.
After videos and games the only thing left is those annoying flickering adverts. Oh no! My phone browser won't display them!
Flash is not an open standard anyway, it is closed and owned by Adobe. The iPhone does support and run all the common open standards for video and other web content like MPEG, Java, HTML5, etc. It is in Apple's interest, as a minority player in computing, to promote such universal standards.
2. "The iPhone is chained to iTunes."
I think the iPhone is best thought of as an iPod that's also a phone. This is because all of the data resides on the parent computer, and is synchronized when the phone is connected to it. This makes it very easy to choose what content is on the phone and automates the whole process. Music (with cover artwork), video, pictures, applications, calendars, contact details, notes, basically everything on the phone, is backed up and copied across with minimal effort.
There are some huge advantages to this philosophy. For example, new podcast episodes are automatically added and old ones deleted. If you lose or wipe your phone you haven't lost your data.
Software updates also come through iTunes and are installed with just a click.
In my opinion the iTunes connection is a good thing.
3. "There's no way to manage files on the iPhone."
You don't have to manage files on the iPhone because everything is done automatically; this saves hours of faffing. Why do you want to waste your time pushing all your jpegs and mp3s around into folders? With the iPhone you just tick what folders you want to sync in iTunes and press go.
4. "But I want to use my phone as a mobile disk. The iPhone is useless because it won't let me do that."
Okay, so you want to carry around a USB cable around with you just in case you want to plug your phone into any computer you want to get files off? What's wrong with a flash memory stick? I have one, cost me £20, very small, lives in my wallet. Much easier.
5. "The iPhone has no removable storage."
I have had had several phones with removable storage cards. Such phones inevitably come with cheap, low capacity, memory cards which admittedly makes the phone seem cheaper to buy. Having subsequently bought a high capacity card for such phones I have never once changed the card from then on - because all the phone's files are on it! I do not not know anybody who has changed cards in mid use.
Most anti-iPhoners argue that they want "the option" to remove the storage. Most do not use this option on their existing phones where it does exist, and those that do are a tiny minority of phone users.
The iPhone's memory is built in and cannot be changed. This means that there is no confusion as to where, say, application and music files are. The easy sync with iTunes wouldn't work if the phone's memory could be changed during use, so I think losing the ability to remove the storage is quite an acceptable tradeoff.
6. "The iPhone has no removable battery."
The iPhone's battery is built in and cannot be removed. Here, again, we are into the "I want the option" territory. I have been told by people that they want "the option" to pop a couple of spare batteries in their bag if they're going on holiday - presumably to antarctica where there are no wall or car cigarette lighter sockets.
I have never met anybody who owns spare batteries for their phone, or indeed carries around spare phone batteries with them. I certainly never have either. It's an option that nobody ever really uses. Don't forget that making things like batteries and memory removable also requires infrastructure inside the phone making it heavier and bulkier for the same level of performance. In my opinion Apple have made a good tradeoff.
For that tiny minority of people who do want to be able to top up their phone on the go there are relatively compact external battery packs available for the iPhone that will charge it up again several times. Apple, or several 3rd parties, also offer the service of replacing worn out internal batteries if that's ever needed.
7. "The iPhone cannot multitask."
Every iPhone from day one has been able to multitask. The OS is constantly managing wireless connections, checking email, running alarms, calendars, etc. It can also play the iPod app's music in the background. What's that if not multitasking?!
What anti-iPhoners mean when they say the iPhone "can't multitask" is that up until now the iPhone has been unable to run multiple third party applications concurrently. The trouble with running multiple applications at the same time on a phone is that it runs the battery down very quickly and can impact on performance of the foreground application. Multitasking is easy to implement but it's very difficult to do this well.
Apple's solution until now has been to restrict the phone to running one 3rd party application at a time - there is, after all, only one small screen anyway. iPhone OS4, which will be released this summer, will allow 3rd party apps to run in the background and in a much more efficient way than on any other phone operating system. We will then hopefully cease to hear whinging about the iPhone's lack of true multitasking.
8. "But I want to run a messenger app or facebook in the background."
Apple's solution to the most common multitasking problem, ie wanting to have something like MSN or facebook in the background, is actually a much more elegant solution than simply running the app on the phone.
Run a messanger app or facebook feed application on a phone that does support multitasking and that application will be running on the phone, periodically contacting the server to see if there's new information. This all uses power.
The iPhone has something called the "push notification server", which is provided by Apple as part of the app store and doesn't require any tinkering to set up. It is possible to close the messenger app on the phone completely, whilst instead the server, not the phone, stays logged in to the messenger service. If anyone sends a message to the user, the server receives it and then pushes it as a notification to the phone telling the user that there is a message waiting. The user then fires up the messenger app, which takes all of about 2 seconds, reads the full message, and can answer. This means the user can be online continuously with barely any use of power or processing power. I think it's a much better way of doing things!
9. "The iPhone is expensive."
Fair. You get what you pay for though. It's not much more expensive than the Google Android equivalent phones - the Nexus One or HTC desire, especially after you've also bought a sensibly sized memory card.
10. "The iPhone will only take applications from the Apple app store. This is a bad thing and kills bunnies."
Yes, without jailbreaking at least, the iPhone will only run applications from the app store. This restricts the unfortunate iPhone user to the mere 185,000 apps that Apple have approved.
There are plenty of good things about the app store. It is a highly effective distribution system that allows professional and amateur application developers to write and distribute software easily and get paid for their efforts. It also means that theoretically none of the programs that one can legitimately download and run on an iPhone is going to do anything Malicious as they've all been checked and approved.
Perhaps in principle Apple's monopoly of iPhone software through the app store is not 100% good and perhaps in time users will be able to get iPhone software from other sources. This is not, however, an issue that manifests itself to the man in a street holding an iPhone.
10. "The iPhone is made by Apple. Apple = bad."
This is really the usual argument being put forward, if under the guise of one or more of the above, and the most likely reason why any true anti-iPhoner will not be swayed by what I've written.
Apple = bad. Playing in a loop inside their heads.
This is why, to them, the iPhone is a totally flawed concept, but the Nexus One or HTC desire are the best thing since sliced bread. (Err, it's the same form factor and the same interface guys!)
Apple are a company. They are interested in selling their products and increasing their market share. So are Microsoft, Google, Adobe, Dell, HTC and indeed any other company that makes computer software or hardware. Any company behaves in ways that are both "good" and "bad" to the outsider's eyes. What really matters is what the product does and how well it does it.
Apple believe in vertical integration - their software running on their hardware - and they believe in selling products that are of the best quality and targeted at the average user, priced accordingly. That's their niche in the market. If their products are "locked down" it's not out of some huge conspiracy it's simply because doing so makes them more suited to the people they are designed for.
These conspiracy theories are often wild and illogical anyway. For example I've heard people claim that Apple are "anti-developer", which is presumably why the full suite of software development tools for OS.X and iPhone are available for free from their website!
The average motorist doesn't want to have to strip down and clean their engine very 1,000 miles. That's the final word here; the iPhone isn't designed for a geeky minority who enjoy opening up the bonnet and tinkering with every aspect of their techno-toys, it is designed for the majority of users who want something that does awesome things without that fuss.
In conclusion
There is no doubt that the iPhone was and still is a game changing device. It has set the bar for a new generation of smart phones and brought many new technologies to the marketplace. I am glad that there are imitators like the Nexus One out there because it provides the incentive for Apple to innovate as they continue to evolve the iPhone concept.
There are many myths about the iPhone perpetuated by a very small but vocal minority of technophiles, mostly born from the discord stemming from the fact that the iPhone isn't really designed for them. This wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't for the way in which people who are not hugely technologically savvy will tend to listen to such people and, whilst not understanding the myths, get a bad feeling about the iPhone and be discouraged from getting something that is incredibly sound and better suited to them.
At the end of the day the iPhone is a superb, highly capable, easy to use, and incredibly reliable device. I wish that the nay-sayers would at least acknowledge that, even if they don't think it is for them, but I guess that's just wishful thinking on my part.
1. "The iPhone doesn't run flash."
Only people who don't own an iPhone seem to think this is a problem. I guess if you wanted to access video sites like YouTube, Veoh, BBC iPlayer... oh wait, no, those all work on the iPhone, either through a free app or a non-flash mobile page.
There are flash games on the internet, true, but by the nature of flash none of those are really designed for a touch screen interface or to be viewed on a mobile phone screen anyway. Why not just spend 50p on a decent game that actually fits the screen and uses the phone's accelerometers and multi-touch interface? There are also free games in the app store if you don't mind the odd advert - just like flash game websites.
After videos and games the only thing left is those annoying flickering adverts. Oh no! My phone browser won't display them!
Flash is not an open standard anyway, it is closed and owned by Adobe. The iPhone does support and run all the common open standards for video and other web content like MPEG, Java, HTML5, etc. It is in Apple's interest, as a minority player in computing, to promote such universal standards.
2. "The iPhone is chained to iTunes."
I think the iPhone is best thought of as an iPod that's also a phone. This is because all of the data resides on the parent computer, and is synchronized when the phone is connected to it. This makes it very easy to choose what content is on the phone and automates the whole process. Music (with cover artwork), video, pictures, applications, calendars, contact details, notes, basically everything on the phone, is backed up and copied across with minimal effort.
There are some huge advantages to this philosophy. For example, new podcast episodes are automatically added and old ones deleted. If you lose or wipe your phone you haven't lost your data.
Software updates also come through iTunes and are installed with just a click.
In my opinion the iTunes connection is a good thing.
3. "There's no way to manage files on the iPhone."
You don't have to manage files on the iPhone because everything is done automatically; this saves hours of faffing. Why do you want to waste your time pushing all your jpegs and mp3s around into folders? With the iPhone you just tick what folders you want to sync in iTunes and press go.
4. "But I want to use my phone as a mobile disk. The iPhone is useless because it won't let me do that."
Okay, so you want to carry around a USB cable around with you just in case you want to plug your phone into any computer you want to get files off? What's wrong with a flash memory stick? I have one, cost me £20, very small, lives in my wallet. Much easier.
5. "The iPhone has no removable storage."
I have had had several phones with removable storage cards. Such phones inevitably come with cheap, low capacity, memory cards which admittedly makes the phone seem cheaper to buy. Having subsequently bought a high capacity card for such phones I have never once changed the card from then on - because all the phone's files are on it! I do not not know anybody who has changed cards in mid use.
Most anti-iPhoners argue that they want "the option" to remove the storage. Most do not use this option on their existing phones where it does exist, and those that do are a tiny minority of phone users.
The iPhone's memory is built in and cannot be changed. This means that there is no confusion as to where, say, application and music files are. The easy sync with iTunes wouldn't work if the phone's memory could be changed during use, so I think losing the ability to remove the storage is quite an acceptable tradeoff.
6. "The iPhone has no removable battery."
The iPhone's battery is built in and cannot be removed. Here, again, we are into the "I want the option" territory. I have been told by people that they want "the option" to pop a couple of spare batteries in their bag if they're going on holiday - presumably to antarctica where there are no wall or car cigarette lighter sockets.
I have never met anybody who owns spare batteries for their phone, or indeed carries around spare phone batteries with them. I certainly never have either. It's an option that nobody ever really uses. Don't forget that making things like batteries and memory removable also requires infrastructure inside the phone making it heavier and bulkier for the same level of performance. In my opinion Apple have made a good tradeoff.
For that tiny minority of people who do want to be able to top up their phone on the go there are relatively compact external battery packs available for the iPhone that will charge it up again several times. Apple, or several 3rd parties, also offer the service of replacing worn out internal batteries if that's ever needed.
7. "The iPhone cannot multitask."
Every iPhone from day one has been able to multitask. The OS is constantly managing wireless connections, checking email, running alarms, calendars, etc. It can also play the iPod app's music in the background. What's that if not multitasking?!
What anti-iPhoners mean when they say the iPhone "can't multitask" is that up until now the iPhone has been unable to run multiple third party applications concurrently. The trouble with running multiple applications at the same time on a phone is that it runs the battery down very quickly and can impact on performance of the foreground application. Multitasking is easy to implement but it's very difficult to do this well.
Apple's solution until now has been to restrict the phone to running one 3rd party application at a time - there is, after all, only one small screen anyway. iPhone OS4, which will be released this summer, will allow 3rd party apps to run in the background and in a much more efficient way than on any other phone operating system. We will then hopefully cease to hear whinging about the iPhone's lack of true multitasking.
8. "But I want to run a messenger app or facebook in the background."
Apple's solution to the most common multitasking problem, ie wanting to have something like MSN or facebook in the background, is actually a much more elegant solution than simply running the app on the phone.
Run a messanger app or facebook feed application on a phone that does support multitasking and that application will be running on the phone, periodically contacting the server to see if there's new information. This all uses power.
The iPhone has something called the "push notification server", which is provided by Apple as part of the app store and doesn't require any tinkering to set up. It is possible to close the messenger app on the phone completely, whilst instead the server, not the phone, stays logged in to the messenger service. If anyone sends a message to the user, the server receives it and then pushes it as a notification to the phone telling the user that there is a message waiting. The user then fires up the messenger app, which takes all of about 2 seconds, reads the full message, and can answer. This means the user can be online continuously with barely any use of power or processing power. I think it's a much better way of doing things!
9. "The iPhone is expensive."
Fair. You get what you pay for though. It's not much more expensive than the Google Android equivalent phones - the Nexus One or HTC desire, especially after you've also bought a sensibly sized memory card.
10. "The iPhone will only take applications from the Apple app store. This is a bad thing and kills bunnies."
Yes, without jailbreaking at least, the iPhone will only run applications from the app store. This restricts the unfortunate iPhone user to the mere 185,000 apps that Apple have approved.
There are plenty of good things about the app store. It is a highly effective distribution system that allows professional and amateur application developers to write and distribute software easily and get paid for their efforts. It also means that theoretically none of the programs that one can legitimately download and run on an iPhone is going to do anything Malicious as they've all been checked and approved.
Perhaps in principle Apple's monopoly of iPhone software through the app store is not 100% good and perhaps in time users will be able to get iPhone software from other sources. This is not, however, an issue that manifests itself to the man in a street holding an iPhone.
10. "The iPhone is made by Apple. Apple = bad."
This is really the usual argument being put forward, if under the guise of one or more of the above, and the most likely reason why any true anti-iPhoner will not be swayed by what I've written.
Apple = bad. Playing in a loop inside their heads.
This is why, to them, the iPhone is a totally flawed concept, but the Nexus One or HTC desire are the best thing since sliced bread. (Err, it's the same form factor and the same interface guys!)
Apple are a company. They are interested in selling their products and increasing their market share. So are Microsoft, Google, Adobe, Dell, HTC and indeed any other company that makes computer software or hardware. Any company behaves in ways that are both "good" and "bad" to the outsider's eyes. What really matters is what the product does and how well it does it.
Apple believe in vertical integration - their software running on their hardware - and they believe in selling products that are of the best quality and targeted at the average user, priced accordingly. That's their niche in the market. If their products are "locked down" it's not out of some huge conspiracy it's simply because doing so makes them more suited to the people they are designed for.
These conspiracy theories are often wild and illogical anyway. For example I've heard people claim that Apple are "anti-developer", which is presumably why the full suite of software development tools for OS.X and iPhone are available for free from their website!
The average motorist doesn't want to have to strip down and clean their engine very 1,000 miles. That's the final word here; the iPhone isn't designed for a geeky minority who enjoy opening up the bonnet and tinkering with every aspect of their techno-toys, it is designed for the majority of users who want something that does awesome things without that fuss.
In conclusion
There is no doubt that the iPhone was and still is a game changing device. It has set the bar for a new generation of smart phones and brought many new technologies to the marketplace. I am glad that there are imitators like the Nexus One out there because it provides the incentive for Apple to innovate as they continue to evolve the iPhone concept.
There are many myths about the iPhone perpetuated by a very small but vocal minority of technophiles, mostly born from the discord stemming from the fact that the iPhone isn't really designed for them. This wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't for the way in which people who are not hugely technologically savvy will tend to listen to such people and, whilst not understanding the myths, get a bad feeling about the iPhone and be discouraged from getting something that is incredibly sound and better suited to them.
At the end of the day the iPhone is a superb, highly capable, easy to use, and incredibly reliable device. I wish that the nay-sayers would at least acknowledge that, even if they don't think it is for them, but I guess that's just wishful thinking on my part.
Portmoak '10
Once again Rosie and I have spent a week up in Scotland doing some rather enjoyable gliding and other shenanigans. The Scottish Gliding Club at Portmoak were once again very graceful hosts to the universities easter soaring week, and a good time was had by all.
My pictures from the week are in my web gallery here.
My pictures from the week are in my web gallery here.
Thursday, 18 March 2010
Leaves
I heard today about Nissan's recent foray into the world of electric cars. This is the Nissan "Leaf", an all-electric car.
I have trouble thinking of a more wishy-washy eco-hippy sounding name than "Leaf". It's not even a good acronym; apparently LEAF stands for Leading Environmentally friendly Affordable Family car. Presumably the original plan was to call it the LEFAFC, and sell it in Poland.
I do not understand the point of this car, and I am speaking as a person who accepts the fact of man-made climate change.
The first thing is the range. I'm sure that, given it is electric, it will have good acceleration and regenerative braking, but the fact of the matter is that the quoted range provided by its lithium ion batteries is 160km - about 100 miles. This means that, if I wanted to get in one and drive to my parents house in Nottingham say I would not be able to make even that comparatively short trip of about 120 miles in one leg. I would have to find somewhere where I could plug in a cable to a 240-volt socket and wait 4 hours for the battery to charge, possibly a petrol station or convenience shop where the staff are either too bored or moronic to wonder why the lights in one of their display fridges have gone out.
I'm rather reminded of the rather optimistic claims that the manufacturers of my various mobile phones over the years have made regarding battery life. I have often wondered under what conditions they ever managed to get a phone to achieve those numbers, because I have never ever seen any phone match them, even when brand new. This is another concern; the batteries may achieve 100 miles when new, but what about after a couple of years?
I find myself thinking of the kind of back-up battery packs that one can buy for iPhones and wondering whether it'll be possible to buy a trailer with extra power packs. Perhaps you could get one with a diesel generator on it. Then you could boost your environmentally friendly car all the way to Scotland if you wanted!
This brings me to the whole "environmentally friendly" business. Let's be honest here, the best way to build an environmentally friendly car is not to get national grid electricity, in the UK over 60% of which is from burning fossil fuels, accept transmission losses between power station and the point of use, and then go through the terribly inefficient process of charging and then discharging the energy from a rechargeable battery. This is before considering all of the so-called "embedded carbon" in producing the batteries in the first place. You are not going to save the polar bears by buying a Leaf, far from it.
So what's this car for? Who is going to buy it? What are they going to use it for? The 100-mile range is suggested to be at city speeds, not motorway speeds, and so the implication is that this is supposed to be a "city car". So someone living in a city whose misguided sense of concern for the environment causes them to buy an "affordable" £20,000 electric city car is the prime candidate.
I have never understood the logic behind "city cars". Anyone who has heard me rant on the subject of cars might want to jump to the conclusion that I am one of those car-hating eco-mentalists. I do dislike cars to some extent, or rather what they do to the minds of the people behind the wheel, but my assertion has always been that cars have their place and that place is most definitely not the city. There is simply not the space to accommodate each individual person in their own car in cities, and when everybody tries to achieve this goal by driving into town en masse the roads get gridlocked, there's nowhere to park, pedestrians get knocked over, and the street environment is incredibly unpleasant.
This is the situation where it's best to just hop on public transport where there is no need for the stressful drive down congested roads nor the cost and inconvenience associated with finding and paying for a parking space. If you're the type of person who's set on going electric in the city in the name of the environment why not lobby for a metro, trams or trolley-buses where the power flows straight from the grid to the traction motors; it's much more efficient without this battery nonsense.
In any case, the fastest way to get around in cities is nearly always by bicycle. If you're going less than 5 miles there's no better way to beat the traffic and save the polar bears in the process if that's something you really care about. You can even smile and wave at all the motorists as they sit waiting in queues, steam coming out of their ears.
Both of these options are far more eco-friendly than a large battery-powered 5-door car weighing in at about 1.5 tonnes.
So it's not particularly good for the environment, it's not affordable (£20k?!), and it's no good for long journeys. What we have here is a car that is good for taking the whole family and sitting in urban traffic jams.
I rarely agree with Jeremy Clarkson on anything environmental but one thing he has said that I do agree with is this. If you want to cut your CO2 emissions, don't buy a new car, simply learn to drive the one you already have more efficiently. I would add my own comment that many journeys are actually much easier to make without using a car than the sort of person who drives everywhere by default would actually care to realise.
To be honest I think that this car fits into the same category as the Toyota Prius, which is that it's undoubtably excellent and cutting edge technology, but saying that it good for the environment is a bit of a gimmick to sell it to people who are far more environmentally conscientious than they are intelligent. Anyone who really wants to cut down their "carbon footprint" can make the biggest difference by living near where they work and dropping their mileage enormously in the process. This also has the effect over the course of a year of saving hundreds of hours of personal time and thousands of pounds, especially if one is within walking or cycling distance.
So here's to all you future leaf owners, what's important is that I know you mean well!
I'll start work on that battery-boost trailer, I'm sure there's a commercial opportunity there...
I have trouble thinking of a more wishy-washy eco-hippy sounding name than "Leaf". It's not even a good acronym; apparently LEAF stands for Leading Environmentally friendly Affordable Family car. Presumably the original plan was to call it the LEFAFC, and sell it in Poland.
I do not understand the point of this car, and I am speaking as a person who accepts the fact of man-made climate change.
The first thing is the range. I'm sure that, given it is electric, it will have good acceleration and regenerative braking, but the fact of the matter is that the quoted range provided by its lithium ion batteries is 160km - about 100 miles. This means that, if I wanted to get in one and drive to my parents house in Nottingham say I would not be able to make even that comparatively short trip of about 120 miles in one leg. I would have to find somewhere where I could plug in a cable to a 240-volt socket and wait 4 hours for the battery to charge, possibly a petrol station or convenience shop where the staff are either too bored or moronic to wonder why the lights in one of their display fridges have gone out.
I'm rather reminded of the rather optimistic claims that the manufacturers of my various mobile phones over the years have made regarding battery life. I have often wondered under what conditions they ever managed to get a phone to achieve those numbers, because I have never ever seen any phone match them, even when brand new. This is another concern; the batteries may achieve 100 miles when new, but what about after a couple of years?
I find myself thinking of the kind of back-up battery packs that one can buy for iPhones and wondering whether it'll be possible to buy a trailer with extra power packs. Perhaps you could get one with a diesel generator on it. Then you could boost your environmentally friendly car all the way to Scotland if you wanted!
This brings me to the whole "environmentally friendly" business. Let's be honest here, the best way to build an environmentally friendly car is not to get national grid electricity, in the UK over 60% of which is from burning fossil fuels, accept transmission losses between power station and the point of use, and then go through the terribly inefficient process of charging and then discharging the energy from a rechargeable battery. This is before considering all of the so-called "embedded carbon" in producing the batteries in the first place. You are not going to save the polar bears by buying a Leaf, far from it.
So what's this car for? Who is going to buy it? What are they going to use it for? The 100-mile range is suggested to be at city speeds, not motorway speeds, and so the implication is that this is supposed to be a "city car". So someone living in a city whose misguided sense of concern for the environment causes them to buy an "affordable" £20,000 electric city car is the prime candidate.
I have never understood the logic behind "city cars". Anyone who has heard me rant on the subject of cars might want to jump to the conclusion that I am one of those car-hating eco-mentalists. I do dislike cars to some extent, or rather what they do to the minds of the people behind the wheel, but my assertion has always been that cars have their place and that place is most definitely not the city. There is simply not the space to accommodate each individual person in their own car in cities, and when everybody tries to achieve this goal by driving into town en masse the roads get gridlocked, there's nowhere to park, pedestrians get knocked over, and the street environment is incredibly unpleasant.
This is the situation where it's best to just hop on public transport where there is no need for the stressful drive down congested roads nor the cost and inconvenience associated with finding and paying for a parking space. If you're the type of person who's set on going electric in the city in the name of the environment why not lobby for a metro, trams or trolley-buses where the power flows straight from the grid to the traction motors; it's much more efficient without this battery nonsense.
In any case, the fastest way to get around in cities is nearly always by bicycle. If you're going less than 5 miles there's no better way to beat the traffic and save the polar bears in the process if that's something you really care about. You can even smile and wave at all the motorists as they sit waiting in queues, steam coming out of their ears.
Both of these options are far more eco-friendly than a large battery-powered 5-door car weighing in at about 1.5 tonnes.
So it's not particularly good for the environment, it's not affordable (£20k?!), and it's no good for long journeys. What we have here is a car that is good for taking the whole family and sitting in urban traffic jams.
I rarely agree with Jeremy Clarkson on anything environmental but one thing he has said that I do agree with is this. If you want to cut your CO2 emissions, don't buy a new car, simply learn to drive the one you already have more efficiently. I would add my own comment that many journeys are actually much easier to make without using a car than the sort of person who drives everywhere by default would actually care to realise.
To be honest I think that this car fits into the same category as the Toyota Prius, which is that it's undoubtably excellent and cutting edge technology, but saying that it good for the environment is a bit of a gimmick to sell it to people who are far more environmentally conscientious than they are intelligent. Anyone who really wants to cut down their "carbon footprint" can make the biggest difference by living near where they work and dropping their mileage enormously in the process. This also has the effect over the course of a year of saving hundreds of hours of personal time and thousands of pounds, especially if one is within walking or cycling distance.
So here's to all you future leaf owners, what's important is that I know you mean well!
I'll start work on that battery-boost trailer, I'm sure there's a commercial opportunity there...
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